|
| AHC Eastern Centre Automotive and Transportation Tales and graphics Text Set 1 |
| A
Near Miss from Dave Barber An American caravanner decided to move up to a Recreational Vehicle (American Motorhome) and after much deliberation settled on a Winnebago. Having purchased the vehicle he drove onto the nearest Highway, got her up to a comfortable cruising speed and then switched on the Cruise control. Feeling thirsty he then got out of his seat to put the kettle on! Not surprisingly the vehicle ran off the road, overturned and was a complete write-off. The driver sued Winnebago because 'nowhere in the manual does it state that I must be at the wheel when the cruise control is operated'. Being in America, he won his case, was awarded £275,000 compensation and a replacement vehicle. If you get your hands on one you will see that the manual now clearly states that the driver must remain at the wheel when the vehicle is moving! |
| The
Seven-Ten cap from Robin Astle, AHC Midland Centre, told entirely without prejudice! The other day I was in Halfords. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said: 'What's a seven ten cap?' She said: 'You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one.' 'What does it do?' She said she didn't know, but its always been there. The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture. So she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre she writes 710. Click here for a view! |
| 'Women Only' car park With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded Car Parks, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a 'Women Only' car park in Ann Street. Even the car park attendants are exclusively female, so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons. [At: www.sandawana.freeserve.co.uk/solomons/return_to_the_lagoon.htm is: 'In 1961 we called in at Brisbane and went up the City Hall clock tower where it struck 4. The view was as spectacular as the noise. In 1992 I tried to repeat the experience but the tower was closed for repairs! The view in 1961 was of low-rise buildings in every direction - quite a bit different 30 years later.’} Click here for a view of the car park ! |
| The Dumbest Guy on Earth! This picture is real - not doctored in anyway - taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went and bought a camera to take pictures. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The guy driving it was jogging up and down on Rt 925, in the background. Witnesses said their physical state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they had the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2x4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of cement @ 80 lbs each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FL plates (naturally), was headed for Annapolis, where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack. Click here for a view! |
|
| Things to never say to a cop
from Mef in Botswana Click here for it |
| Speeders
from Mef in Botswana Click here for it |
| Zoo
Trip from David Reed Click here for it |
| Just getting a little older from Tony Rogers, Editor, 1 Suffolk Newsletter. ‘Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 72 or 92 but thank God, I still have my driver's license.’ Originally published in the Norfolk Section of the Britannia and Castle, the periodic Regimental Journal of the Cambridgeshire, Suffolk, Royal Norfolk, East Anglian and Royal Anglian Regimental Associations. With acknowledgements to the Norfolk Editor - who also happens to be the AHC-EC Webmaster! |
| Embarrassing First Date - or 'Ever heard of yellow
snow?' from Alison
Moss On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Sept 7,1999, Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. Click here for it |
| Montana
Drinkers from Brian
Cooper in Canada and Version 2 of Montana Drinkers from Brian Cooper in Canada (amended and transferred to Watton, Naerfalk) Click here for them |
RECTUM STRETCHER from Brian Cooper in Canada Of
bridges and radar guns ...While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked: 'What's the hurry?' I replied: 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop. 'What do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded. The cop said: 'What? A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?' I said: 'Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide.' The cop asked: 'What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?' I simply replied: 'You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge.....' Bail: $100 |
| Visiting Friends from Barry Downs in Kimberley,
South Africa Barry has friends from overseas who are camping their way around South Africa, Oz, NZ, the USA and the UK. He asked if we know where they might be able to go without having to incur unnecessary expense. They travel light, bring all their own camping gear, and require only a small place to set up. They also like children (and goats). We said we would try our friends and family for accommodation. Anyway, I have taken the liberty of giving them your name and address in anticipation of a warm welcome. I enclose a picture to help with positive identification when they arrive at your home. Click here for it |
| Visiting Bicycle Group from Major John Thomas RRF
TD BV**** received in 2003 John anticipates the imminent arrival of a travelling bicycle group. Can you put them up? My old Zambia chum Brian wrote from Tamworth to say: 'Yes please. I'll let you know when Margaret is away in Manchester and will then welcome the first group.' Click here for it |
| Visiting Bicycle Group 2 - sadly I forget who sent this! Received
in Jan 2005 He anticipates the imminent arrival of the same travelling bicycle group. Can you put them up? Jim wrote: 'They are welcome to stay with me, for an extended visit I hope. Please give me a little warning so I can persuade my good lady to visit her ma.' Click here for it |
| A
Dark and Stormy Night from Brian Moss Click here for it |
| Becks goes horse riding
from Capt Felicity Leicester
TD Click here for it |
| Stark
Naked! from Charles
Greenhough I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked. Before I recovered from the shock, my 5-year-old shouted from the back seat: ‘Look Mummy! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!’ |
| Meals
on Wheels from Charles Greenhough Whilst working for Meals on Wheels, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, frames and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she turned and just whispered: ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’ |
| Nothing more needs to be said about this number plate from Mef in Botswana Click here for it |
| Limousine et al from Mef in Botswana Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking. Click here for it |
| Do
you need a sign? from Brian
in Canada Click here for it |
| One
Little Mistake from Lt Col David Denson TD I lost my job today..... I was at work on time..... I did exactly what the boss told me to do..... I followed all the rules..... Then, the first time I ever had a chance to drive a fork lift truck, I made one little mistake and everyone started running around in circles screaming and shouting..... You'd think I set the place on fire or something..... The way people looked at me afterwards you'd think I did it on purpose..... I don't understand it..... I didn't mean to do it..... It was an accident..... It could have happened to anyone! Click here for it |
| A
very wise man from Mef in
Botswana Click here for it |
| Bumper
sticker from Mef in Botswana Click here for it |
| Ducks
Crossing from Simon
Raybould Click here for it |
|
| Flying in Africa from Nobby Clarke Imagine that you are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies and enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder. On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within a mile has become very popular. You start calculating the distance to the plane door...... and wonder: 'Do I feel lucky today?' Click here for it |
| Secretary Applicant from Mandy via AHC-EC
Chairman Clive Cocks (The AHC-EC Webmaster observed, in Dec 04: 'It was distressing to receive an e-mail from Mandy applying for my job'.: Deer Sir, I wanna apply for yore secritary job. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode. I love speaking on the telefone and because of that I do talk to my frends on it for about six houers a day. I'm lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I have a small problem from wen I was born (I have a funnie culor hair), but find that I offen get a job no problem, so you can pay me what you theenk that I am werth, Thank you in idvance fore yore anser. Yore best aplicant so farr. Luv, Mandy BS : Because my resime is a bit short, attacked is a picksure of me taken at my last jobb. Click here for it If you are prepared to be on the interview panel please let me know. 30 Dec 04 Comment from AHC-EC
Webmaster/Secretary: Of the 143 interested parties informed, only 3 responded: Sadly, 2 in UK local Govt had
the msg rejected: 'deemed to be potentially unacceptable by either your Domain
Administrator or the Recipient's Domain Administrator.' I'll wait until the day of our
next AHC-EC Ctee Mtg on 13 Jan 05 but reckon that with this poor response my jib is safe? The 6 R Anglian and R Pilchard Regt chaps and a brace of ladies are used to such states of disrobing so won't mind if I'm relegated to the back benches. Happy New Year (and we'll see you at Cox's Manor for the
New Year's Eve bash as advertised at: |
|
| THERE I WAS DIGGING
THIS HOLE from Gini Otway in New York Click here for it |
| A GOOD REASON
TO ALWAYS CARRY YOUR CAMERA from
Gini Otway in New York via Anne Cole Click here for it |
| WHAT DO YOU CALL AN Amish Mechanic
WITH HIS HAND UP A HORSE'S ass from
Lt Col Nick Clapham TD A mechanic! |
| BUMPER
STICKERS from Laura
in New York Bumper Stickers to Smile About     
    
  Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
|
|
Signs from
Anne No trespassing No dogs or bicycles Drive carefully |
|
MoD trials a new weapon system Attack Vehicle
from Nobby Clarke Click here for it ! |
| Galloping
Cab from
Nobby Clarke Click here for it ! |
| Cycling
Pig
from
Simon Raybould Click here for it ! |
|
Fastest selling item in
Liverpool
Gini Otway Click here for it ! |
To the contributors, thanks. |
|
|
Site edited and
maintained by John L Raybould,
Webmaster, Eastern Centre, Austin-Healey Club (UK) |
| What from Who Ready for the next ! |
